Having done my share of air travel, I can absolutely relate the all the complaints customers have about the passenger airlines. Having also been a former airline employee (I still get chills when I hear "Rhapsody in Blue") I have a very real understanding of where these complaints are coming from, and more importantly, what is really happening behind the curtain. Passengers are fed up with delays and poor service? Well, airline employees are fed up with being a punching bag for people who don't understand how air travel works! And on that note, I would like to present my own Top Ten Worst Passengers List:
10. The "Can't you make an exception for me?" passenger
Your big brown eyes might work in some places, honey, but we have actual rules here. And, no, we aren't allowed to make exceptions. Unfortunately, some airports you visit will allow the exception, which just makes the rest of us look like bitches for following the rules. If he at least got your phone number, I'd feel better about it.
9. The "Is there someone who can help me with this luggage?" passenger
Sadly, we don't have a valet service. The curbside baggage guys will help with checked bags, but to be perfectly honest, if you can't get your suitcase out of the trunk of your car without a team of horses, then you packed too much. And if you can't carry your "carry-on" items yourself, (or, more importantly, carry your infant twins and all their "necessities") then you'll have to buy an extra ticket so your mother can come along to help you. Never pack more than you can carry...on your person. Period.
8. The "Why are you so angry I asked a simple question?" passenger or friend/family awaiting passenger
True story:
Me, standing at the ticket counter, speaking into the overhead P.A. system: "Attention those awaiting flight 774* from Chicago, that flight has been delayed in Chicago about 30 minutes. The expected arrival time is now 7:30pm. Thank you for your patience." (*not a real flight number)
Guy standing right in front of me watching me deliver this announcement: "Excuse me, is flight 774 late?"
Me, thinking he must be kidding: "Yes. It's delayed about a half hour."
Him: "So...when do you think it will be in?"
What I said: "7:30"
What I wanted to say: "Do the math, dipstick!! I just got done telling the entire airport the new arrival time, and you can't say you couldn't understand the P.A. because you were standing not 4 feet in front of me, staring at my mouth while I said it!!"
Moral: There is no such thing as a stupid question...unless there have been several announcements and large signs answering it, and the ten people in line in front of you have asked the same question, and you were too self-involved to bother hearing the answer! Then, yeah, it's a stupid question!!
7. The "Excuse me, waitress!" passenger
The flight attendant is not a waitress. (Or waiter) They are trained security professionals, whose job is to maintain order and assist you in case of an emergency. And if you are nice, they might bring you a pillow and a Diet Coke. (And if not, "turbulence" is a nice, vague term!)
6. The "Security took my water!" passenger
Airport security is operated by a government agency, with VERY specific requirements. Luckily, these requirements are posted all over the airport, internet and morning shows. Your lack of interest in your own trip is not our fault. Oh, and THEY tell US what to do, not the other way around!
5. The "You lost my luggage!" passenger
Let's get a little perspective: If there are 200 passengers on your plane, and they are connecting to 165 different planes in the hub city, that's 200 bags going 165 different directions. Now multiply that by 500, for all the other airplanes in that hub airport. Kind of makes you wonder how ANY of the bags get to their final destinations, doesn't it? Here's a tip...don't pack anything in your checked luggage you can't live without for a day or two. We're doing our best.
4. The "Ol' Yeller" passenger
The girl at the boarding gate cannot give you a refund. She doesn't have any money at all! 7 times out of 10 she doesn't even know HOW to give you a refund. Believe me when I tell you that you will get a lot farther with someone from the "800 number" than you will with the gate girl. You can spout all the nastiness you want at her, she's heard it all before, but it just makes you look like an ass. All the "seasoned" travelers are already calling the 800 number, and making fun of you behind your back!
3. The "Vacation Brain" passenger
I appreciate the fact that people go on vacation to put a pause on thinking. But you aren't there yet, honey! We need you to "tune in" for a few more hours, listen to announcements, pay attention to signs and for Pete's sake, not get drunk until you are at your hotel!
2. The "Frequent Flyer" passenger
Yes, sir, I can see that you are a Premier Frequent Flyer! It's too bad that status doesn't come with tights and a cape, because I doubt that even your magical "frequent flyer" powers will make this fog go away, and we can't leave until it does. Yes, sir, even for you. (insert the proper genuflecting here)
1. The "I haven't flown since 1984" passenger
Is there really anyone alive who doesn't know the airlines charge for checked bags? That you are only allowed to carry-on a small amount of liquids? That you'll have to take your shoes off? Do yourself a favor, and check with your airline for their CURRENT rules and expectations. Stuff changes, get over it.
That being said, here are some tips for happier travels!
- If you can't pick up your suitcase, you've packed too much. Wheels on suitcases are considered the decline of the travel industry. A good rule of thumb: take what you think you "need" and divide it by half. That's what you'll actually use.
- If possible, don't check a bag. Not only do you save time at the counter and at arrival (no waiting for the baggage belt) but if something comes up and you need to be re-routed on another carrier, you will be a prime candidate if you haven't any checked luggage that must be re-routed as well.
- Remember the 3-1-1 rule: 1 qt ziptop bag, 1 for each passenger, that holds small containers of liquids (3.4 oz or 100 ml or less) in their carry-on bag. Believe me, you don't need more than that. Even if you aren't checking a bag, and you are staying longer than a sample size shampoo will cover, I can categorically guarantee that any city large enough to have an airport will also have a Walmart. You know? (BTW, what is considered "liquid" seems to be subjective, and may be determined by each security employee. Just to be safe, put your Chapstick and deodorant in the "liquid" bag.)
- Really, be there 2 hours early. They aren't kidding. You can expect to stand in line for 30-45 minutes to check in, and another 30-45 minutes in line at security. Remember, boarding starts a half hour before "departure" time. Sometimes, the worst that can happen is that you breeze right through both without standing in line at all. Bummer. Bring a book or something. Heaven forbid you have extra time to buy a bottle of water, shop for imported perfume or hit the bathroom before your flight!
- When things go wrong, stay calm. Weather happens. Sometimes, landing gear lights stop working. Things happen, and if you are calm, you will get the help you deserve. Listen to the announcements, and don't forget the "customer service" line. You might get through to them before you get to the front of the line at the Customer Service booth!
- Keep your wits. There is something about airports that makes people go crazy! (According to the husband!) It's busy, it's noisy, and there are a lot of rules. (And if you break them you could go to jail!) My suggestion is, do as much as you can before you leave home. Put all of your documents, ID, and itineraries in one pocket in your purse, have your suitcase labeled (both inside and outside!) and don't wear any jewelry or belt buckles or shoes that are really hard to get on and off. Make things as simple as you can! Know the current TSA rules before you go!
- Don't expect wine and roses. If the guy checking your bags isn't simply beaming with pleasure at the opportunity to do so, don't take it personally. Remember, these guys are expected to do twice the work in half the time it would take the average person, and for about the same salary as the fry cook at McDonald's. Give them a break...and be thankful that you are on the "good" side of the counter! ;)
