Baby Fat

Everyone knows that women gain weight when they have a baby. Children have a drastic effect on mother's physique, and in so many ways! In a perfect world, nursing a baby would cost enough calories for mommy to lose that extra "baby weight". But there are many other variables to consider.

First, if mommy lived near a taco stand or if there was a Dairy Queen near her doctor's office, there might be more weight to lose. Also, screaming babies have a way of convincing you that you deserve a glass (or two) of wine in the evening. And if you have older children and a baby, your commitment to "healthy" family dinners is relaxed. Even if you were previously serving your darlings grilled chicken on a bed of fresh spinach, these days you're slicing hotdogs into a can of Spagettios on the days you don't order pizza. And if they don't finish all of their EasyMac or chicken nuggets, mommy will often step up to ensure that it doesn't go to waste! Don't forget the vegetable stand-off. Of course they like corn...it's not really a vegetable. (Look it up, it's actually a grain.) But if you offer them broccoli they will accuse you of trying to poison them. And the more kids you have, the more expensive it is to feed them. Every child I've ever met can hoover prime rib or crab legs, but wouldn't touch a meatloaf with a ten foot pole. And so, the "mommy weight" is inevitable.

In the plus side, chasing toddlers can be rather exhausting! And I don't know of many mothers with children under 10 who are able to actually finish a meal without needing to tend to someone else's needs. They also find themselves "sharing" their soda or ice cream cone. But who has time to workout when you are just trying to make it through the day without tearing your hair out? The experts say, if you want to lose weight you need at least 8 hours of sleep a night. And you can get it...after your kids are in college!

The consolation here is that all mommies are in the same boat as I am. (Except those few, you know who they are, that are back to running marathons a few days after giving birth. We must expose these women for what they are...freaks of nature.) One author wrote that pregnancy is actually 18 months...nine months on the inside and nine on the outside! SO technically, I'm still "pregnant" and my little parasite is the reason for the increase in the number on the tag of my jeans. Well...that and the taco stand.

Golf

It's a sport, kind of. It's a social event, in a way. It's a drinking game, for some of us. Yes, it's golf.

I started playing golf in 2005, I think. I signed up to take a couple lessons with a few of my friends, mostly for a fun thing to do together. I borrowed some clubs from my husband's brother's wife's sister's ex-husband. (I love small towns!) I should premise by saying that I was a girl jock, and I tend to have what is know as "beginner's luck" with sports. I do really great my first time out and then...I never get any better than that. So my golf game is probably about the same as it was at my first lesson. First of all, I played a lot of softball, and a golf swing is totally different, yet similar enough to confuse the old muscle memory. And second, I don't want to get better. I'm not going to work on my short game or practice my swing, so why get worked up over my lack of skill?

I golf once a week, on Wednesday nights, in a ladies league. This is perfect for me, for several reasons. It's evening, so my mom can watch the kids for me. Some of the ladies that golf are really good, and I think that I've actually improved just by watching them and listening to the pointers they offer. And most of the ladies are there to have a good time first and if some golfing gets done, well, that's a bonus! It gives me a chance to hang out with "the girls" and we only have to talk about kids if we want to. (Bragging or bitching...both tend to come up!)

It's also a great networking opportunity, and not just ladies league. If my future boss asks me if I'd like to join them for a round of golf, not only do I have my own clubs (what's-his-name needed his back) but I have enough skill to not embarrass myself completely.

Plus, it's pretty. Cute little pink balls, kacky capris and polos, and the famous sun visor. It's classy. And while I usually avoid nature if I can help it, I love the groomed grass of a golf course, dotted with sparkling ponds and streams and scattered with patches of white sand, perfectly smooth all the time. (It's the rules) I also love the courtesy of it all. You are more skilled than I? Of course you may play through so that I am not causing you to wait unduly. I will stand quietly whilst you focus on your swing, and don't worry about where your ball landed...I'll watch it for you. You are a less skilled player? Allow me to offer you a handicap, altering my score so that we may play on equal footing. And never shall I cast a shadow on the line of your putt. Pip, pip, cherrio!

So if you are not already partaking of summer's best sport, I encourage you to try it. But remember folks...it's just a game!

**There is an urban legend that claims the origin of the word "golf" is actually an acronym for Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden. This is untrue, and I have taken it upon myself to dispel this terrible stereotype. The word actually comes from the Scottish word "golv" which is a mispronunciation of the Danish word "kolv" meaning "club". So don't let your husband have all the fun!

Baby STUFF

One of the things they never tell you about having a baby, is how much STUFF they come with and just to what extent that stuff will take over your life. I took this picture a few minutes ago to demonstrate exactly how out of control my livingroom has become with baby things. Of course, just to the left of the frame is an old A-frame style baby swing and just barely out of the picture to the right is a fabric bouncy seat. So this snapshot is really just the tip of the iceberg! As a child I really enjoyed the I-Spy books and games, so lets play it now...with my livingroom.

Can you find...

-a package of diapers

-a stapler

-2006's "it" sandals espadrilles jockeying for space with 2009's "it" gladiator sandals

-a large box of breast pads which prevent me from ruining every shirt I own

-5 "dirty" diapers, all wrapped up and no where to go

-a basket of clean laundry that has yet to be folded...oh, who's kidding whom here, will never be folded

-a can of fancy mixed nuts containing only almonds as someone has picked all of the cashews out already.

-a bottle of "mommy's little helper", Mylicon. (You thought I was going to say wine, didn't you? I removed that bottle before I snapped the picture.)

-a drink "koozie" with no drink

-a beach ball with no beach

-a glass of water sitting right NEXT to, but of course not ON, a sandstone coaster

-a basket that is supposed to corral the diapers but is in fact the only place in the room no diapers can be found

-an adorable sleeping baby who makes the whole mess worthwhile