"When are you having another baby?"

People ask me this all the time. I guess if you've had one child, the logical step is to have another. Why? Are other people really so invested in my family that they feel they should have a vote in our family planning meetings? And it's usually asked by a mere acquaintance, which is actually more annoying.
"When are you guys having another baby?" the pseudo-stranger will ask.
"Well, thank you for your interest in our sex life, (insert name here), but I'm not sure I feel comfortable discussing my fertility with you right now. But we are ready to order our food though, whenever you are."
I guess the question would be harmless enough if we didn't want more children. The problem is, we do, and we are really having a hard time having another child. So it's really sweet of you to pour lemon juice on the gaping wound of my heart. Thanks.

But people often say the most hurtful things disguised as sympathy. As I write this, I am suffering through my second miscarriage in less than a year. Most people think of a miscarriage as the end of a pregnancy. That's seems simple enough. Sure, the mother is sad... who wouldn't be, but it's not that big of a deal, right? Wrong. Miscarriage is a grisly, painful business with possibly life-threatening complications. And when I say painful, I mean it feels just like childbirth only without the happy ending. (For those of you who have never had children, or opted for the epidural, imagine your worst menstrual cramp and multiply it by 5. And for you men, I can't say for sure, but I imagine it would feel like getting kicked in the groin constantly for a few days.) But any woman can take that. It's the stupid things people say that really get upsetting. The worst part is, they're trying to make me feel better!
Here is a list of things not to say to women in my position, in case you have a friend or family member who goes through the same thing:
1. "It's probably a blessing." I know that the chromosomal mis-match that probably triggered this whole thing would not work out in the end, but I'm in a lot of pain here and it's really hard for me to see it as a "blessing". Not to mention all the daydreams I've had about the baby are up in smoke. I've lost a dream...that's not a blessing.
2. "It's God's will" or "God has a plan" or pretty much any phrase with the word "God" in it. This is often a pat answer, and I'm sure some people even believe it. But if there is a God, (and time's going to tell on that one) and He is doing this to me on purpose, then He can kiss my bleeding heiny. Maybe He's testing me, but if he really wants to test me, He should plunk four or five people in front of me spouting off about "God" and see which one I smother with a giant maxi-pad. (Don't forget the hormonal pollution I'm dealing with!)
3. "You can always try again." I guess. But if you don't mind, I'd like a moment to regret the loss of this baby, before you shuffle me off to worrying about losing another one.

These phrases tend to come out when people feel uncomfortable and don't know what else to say. But here's what you should say: "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I don't know what to say." Simple, easy to remember, and most likely true.

So the next time you find yourself scrambling for small talk and you are thinking about saying the "when are you having a baby" line, just comment on the weather. You'll still sound ridiculous, but at least you won't hurt any feelings.